Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Everclear isn't food dammit
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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