dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
