It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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