I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
