Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
