all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
