I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
