Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
if only i could text you this smell
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
