Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
ok first of all what the fuck
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
