I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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