the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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