My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
