I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
