Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
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