Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
