Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
