update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
