you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
