Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
