Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
