someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
