shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
