the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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