I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize