just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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