omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
barbara walters just said penis...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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