Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
