if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
