you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
