Can Purell be used as lube?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
