I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
