Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
