direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
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