goodnight i made you a song goodbye
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
