Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
