i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
