Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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