@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
