I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
God I need to hump something, right now.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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