I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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