we have pet lesbian snakes
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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