Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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