I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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