ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
