Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
