Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I FOUND THE LEGS
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
