we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Farmville is her only friend.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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