do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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