where am i from again
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
