That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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