shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
