chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
