Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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