at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
