woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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