Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Banned from zoo.
Again?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Randomize
