And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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