Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
