I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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