I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
